I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize