Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
