I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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