it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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