Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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