So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
