By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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