dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
