All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
