Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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