I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
