My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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