i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
