sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
