You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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