it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
