Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
