Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm both gender and math confused
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
