Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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