So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize