Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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