If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
