I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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