I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
