2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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