your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
