so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize