OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize