I'm so fucking centered right now
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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