Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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