Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize