420 ftw
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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