i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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