its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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