I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
