I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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