Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
