If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
