Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
