Welp...herpes.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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