There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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