I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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