Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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