I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
