Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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