idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i came on her dog
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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