Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
