my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
