There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Success! We fucked roommates!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
