I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
