Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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