well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
