I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
