WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
pray to the hookup gods
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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