...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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