I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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