Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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