was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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