watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
