Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
