FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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