also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
