My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
